Death & Loss

I’m Sorry I Couldn’t Do More.

By on • ( 34 Comments )

You took your life.

I’m sorry I was only
fifteen feet away.

The doctors were only fifteen feet away.

You didn’t know this.
But I spent days and nights
next door to where you decided
to end your life. Where the doctors
gather, pondering over differentials…
treatments…dissecting our every move
to ensure that we are doing the
right thing for you.

The right thing…

If I had known you,
I would have fought for you.
I know you weren’t my patient;
I know we had never even met.
I am just the person who found
you. Who pronounced you.
You were already cold,
but still, I placed the
stethoscope against
your chest and
listened.

I didn’t hear anything.

Did you hear me as
I wept for you?

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry
you were suffering.
I’m sorry you felt
as if you had
no way out.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. 

•

This is a reflection over an event that happened during residency.
An event I still think about at times. 
A lingering guilt.

Categories: Death & Loss, Medicine

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34 replies »

  3. Wow, that is life changing just to read it… you seem to be one of the ” super sensitive’s” on this earth and it is a blessing and curse sometimes… I think you are awesome for your insight and your emotion.

    Reply

  4. It is obvious this event changed you. Sometimes there is nothing you could do, sometimes people like to choose the time hey want to o or how much their need to suffer. And lastly, sometimes it’s about the hearts & minds they have the power to touch.

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