We did it. We took it out.
Slowly, the oxygen saturation dropped.
Gradually, the alarms sounded.
Insisting. Imploring us to do something.
We turned them off.
Made him comfortable.
But we knew we couldn’t hide the truth.
We were letting him suffocate.
~ ~ ~
A lucid man.
A failing lung. A decision made.
A breathing tube placed—just temporarily—
until the lungs healed.
Until they got stronger. Until he got stronger.
But I saw the regret the moment it was inserted.
Nevertheless. We agreed to give it a chance.
But days passed. Then weeks.
No improvement.
Being alert, he communicated with us well.
Through his writing, I got to know him well.
His adventures. His best memory. His regrets in life.
He was a good man.
But a man who never desired to live like this.
While the family disputed on what course of action to take next,
he remained calm and unwavering.
“Please let me go.” was what he would say.
Then finally the moment came.
The time to say goodbye.
~ ~ ~
That day, I let myself weep during rounds.
In front of a crowd of stoic faces.
To weep over a friend.
To weep over a human being.
Over his courage.
An impossible decision.
The loss of a life.
Everything.
Because I didn’t want to do it. But I did.
I let go.
• • •
Categories: Death & Loss, Medicine
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♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ 🙂
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ :-*
So beautiful, yet so sad. Phoebe, I’m glad you’re a doctor — you’re restoring my faith in the practice. I hope your colleagues take note of you. 🙂
You are so sweet to say that. 🙂 All I can say is that I’m trying my best (though my best still feels not enough at times…).
That was so moving… Thank you for letting us share this with you.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read! 🙂
One of the hardest things to do is letting go…….but it can be the kindest and most sensible and “loving” thing to do at the same time…………
Pam
Yes, you are absolutely right. 🙂
I wish more doctors approached their patients with the concern and care you clearly have.
You know, I want to believe that most physicians out there do genuinely care, or at least want to care…but that it’s the environment of the medical field that may make it seem otherwise…
Wishing you the best. 🙂